June 17, 2007

Guaranteeing your child will grow up to be a dick

I've bitched about baby names before because it's something Jenn and I feel very strongly about. Whenever we have kids (which will be a long, long time from now), the kid is totally not getting stuck with a trendy current name that will automatically date them. Kind of like how there are likely a million ten to twelve year olds in Dallas running around named Michael, Troy, or Emmitt.

So, what names are totally off the plate?
Brayden/Braden - Because sometimes Brandon isn't hip enough.
Caden or Kaden - I'm not going to give my kid a Welsh name. That would just be mean.
names ending in -en or -on - This is obviously the trend. Landon, Mason, Jackson/Jaxon, Jayden/Jaden, Braxton... you're all out. Aiden/Aidan is exempt on the grounds that Jenn has Irish heritage and will fight me tooth and nail if I exclude this name from future consideration.
Colt - Awesome. That kid is going to be a huge asshole.
Riley - Oklahomans, come up with better names. In 2006, 73 of you named your kid after Jenn's old dog.
Paul - Do I look like the kind of guy who has a God complex? And besides, getting called "Tall Paul" and then "Paul Wall" got really fucking old after the 700th time I heard it... so I can't do that to another generation.

Alexis, Jasmine, Isabella, Kaylee, Sophia, Brianna/Breanna - If I want to raise a bitch, I'll get a dog.
Brooklyn - Thanks a fucking lot, David Beckham. I know you named your boy that, but apparently enough girls liked it to name their daughters this.
alternate spellings of traditional names - Caitlin? You're now "Kaitlyn".
Trinity - I didn't like the Matrix this much, though I do appreciate the theological ramifications that you... naw, you didn't think theologically when you named your kid this.
The name of any of my exgirlfriends - Nothing says awkward like naming your daughter after a past mistake. Do you think Ian Curtis would have asked Deborah to name their daughter, "Annik"? (nevermind that the relationship hadn't started yet)

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